The joy of drugs......

...the legal kind. I am aware that recreational drugs can be quite pleasurable, or at
least so I've heard. But I would like to pay homage to the wonderful drug that is, the
anti depressant. Now anyone who knows me will be aware of my history with this
drug. For those who aren't, I had a very bad few years a while back, no one major
event, bad relationship, bad debts, bad life choices, bad attitude. I indulged in
self destructive behaviour, put on six stone in weight, and cut myself off from a lot
of friends. I also had a miscarriage in 2000. The combination of all of this
culminated at the end of 2004 when I started to have major panic attacks (which
aren't pleasant), obsessive irrational thinking and I began entertaining thoughts
of suicide.

Now during
all of this there was still a small rational voice somewhere in my head telling me that
this wasn't real, that I was ill and needed help. My lowest point was when I had
some sort of nervous episode in work. This was the first time in my life that I felt that
I had no control of my behaviour and it was very very scary. But it was a good thing
because it forced me to get sorted out. And that is where the wonderful drug
(Sertraline) stepped in.

Within a month after I started taking the tablets, I felt more like myself. Within two,
I was able to socialise on a small scale, after three months I was back at work and
loving every minute of it. I got rid of the bad relationship, was able to face my debts,
and started living my life the way I wanted it to be. People in work saw a change in
me, as they had never known me as a happy person. I had energy again. I wanted
to do things. The longer I took the tablets the better I began to feel. I still had to go
see a psychiatrist on a fairly regular basis, and I still had the odd bad day. But I felt
like a completely different person.

Clinical depression, is said to be a chemical imbalance in the brain. It may or may
not be triggered by an event. Sertraline is a s(elective) s(erotonin) r(euptake) i(nhibitor).
It prevents seratonin from being reabsorbed into the brain as quickly. Therefore
correcting the imbalance. I had been told that I needed to stay on the tablets for at
least a year after they started to work properly for them to do their job. When I fell
pregnant, however, I chose to stop taking the tablets. Elevated hormone levels kept
my mood fairly good untill after the birth. Because I had felt so good during the
pregnancy, I began to believe I didn't need the medication anymore. Wrong. When
Arianna was 8 weeks old I had to admit that I needed my drugs. Thankfully they didn't
take as long to start working this time and I am now back to my (new) old self. I still
suffer from obsessive irrational thinking, although to a lesser degree, and I still have
to see my psychiatrist every few months.

The medication has it's down sides. I can't drink alcohol. If I miss a tablet I feel
extremely nauseous for at least half a day. And I have to go for regular check
ups, which gets very tedious. Also the attitude of others varies greatly. Those
who know and love me, have no problem whith me taking the tablets or with
talking about it. Other people I know either have very strong opinions against
antidepressants, horror stories about others who have taken them or become
very uncomfortable if I mention it (for instance when I explain why I don't drink.)
I don't get it. If I was physically ill and say, was on regular epilepsy medication
or had to take insulin, no one would bat an eye. So why is there still a stigma
attatched to mental illness? It's still an illness of a part of the body, it just so
happens that the part that's ill is the brain. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and
nothing that someone has any more control over than if they were diabetic.

But there is a stigma none the less.

I could go on about this subject for hours as I feel very strongly about it. But I
will climb down from my soapbox for today. The main thing is, without the
tablets I would be hiding from the world, unable to function and hating myself.
Instead Arianna has a mummy who will play with her, be interested in her
and love being with her. Ross has a partner who likes to enjoy herself and
spend time with him. I'm stronger, more assertive, can think clearer and
above all else, I'm happy.

Emx